Is it right for one person, or even a group of people, to have impact on how you view yourself? To put it simply, no.
I have never, and will never understand why anyone would want the power to make someone unhappy, uncomfortable or want to change how they look, or who they are.
You're born the way you are for a reason, no matter what they may be. But one reason I'm pretty sure it isn't, is so that someone could change you.
If someone wants you to change, why are they in your life?
I was in a situation a while ago where I had intense amounts of love and respect for someone, I thought this person was the best thing that had ever happened to me. He then started to give me 'advice' or 'constructive criticism', let's just say it was always more critical than constructive.
He changed me, he thought it was for the better, nobody else did; including me. But because this was they guy that I'd wanted to be with for so long and the one that I believe I loved, I did it. I followed his 'advice' and changed what he wanted me to change as much as I could.
I wore less make up, I wore my hair up, I tried to improve the quality of my skin. They may sound like small changes, things that should be insignificant, but I've always been a strong and guarded person. The big hair and the make up were my comfort blankets, when they were gone I felt insecure. He knew this. But he continued with the criticism. It's only now that I'm starting to think that he wanted to make me feel that way, he wanted me to be vulnerable so that I would be easily influenced, or less confident.
I've never been fully happy with my looks, but I used to be comfortable, and that was enough for me. Then along with his criticisms, along came the insecurities, he has made me uncomfortable and unhappy with the way I look.
He knew how much I needed my guard up, yet he made it clear that he had to know everything; and that involved letting my guard down. When this had happened, he became my everything, as pathetic as it sounds, my world began to relvolve around him. That's what made his words hurt even more, I'd given him everything, I'd let him in and he now knows things that no one else knows. And that honestly scares the crap out of me because the person that he's being now, is the kind of person that would tell people my secrets. And now, even over two months after breaking up, I still felt like a lost cause, I feel vulnerable because my guard is gone; it took me five years to build up and about a week for him to get rid of. I spent the entire relationship feeling like his puppet, like no matter what he did I'd always forgive him, love him and respect him. That wasn't a good feeling.
When someone who you hold in such high regard tells you "I prefer your hair up", you wear your hair up. When they say "You're simple", you begin studying more and using bigger words. When they tell you "You're wearing too much makeup today", you make sure you wear less the next day. When they say"I don't like earrings on you", you don't wear earrings. When you're told "Your hips are too big for a maxi dress", you avoid maxi dresses and immediately hate your hips. When they say "If I could change anything, I'd make your legs skinnier and your skin better", it hurts, you cry, you despise your legs and you want to cover up your skin as much as possible but he doesn't like you wearing lots of makeup.
And those feelings don't go away quickly. Nope.
They're still with me, I even feel as if I'm doing something wrong if I wear earrings or more makeup than usual. It's not right, or fair! What the hell is this!? How could I let that happen?
Why I'm writing this is so that anyone in a similar relationship is aware that it is not right. People should go into a relationship accepting that person for who they are, not because they like some things but are planning to change others. Yes, I am only young and I am fully aware that people have experienced worse relationships than mine, but I'm writing from my experience in the hope of helping others.
No one deserves to be treated badly. Everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are. No one has the right to manipulate, hurt, define and ridicule anyone.
Whether it be in a relationship, a friendship, a family, society, it is not fair and it needs to stop.
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