20 Untitled

I crawled into the office party looking like a crumpled black shroud, odd because I was wearing my red dress and had big, blonde, beauty queen hair. The ambience of this evening, in a room surrounded by the best of the eccentric social butterflies of London, was tainted.

By me.

I didn't want to be there, and no one wanted me there. Of course no one said it in so many words, however a lot can be said by the silence that occurs when you circulate into a conversation and then the evil that women are able to create in the iris' of their eyes.

My insides were screaming with infuriation; what I chose to do was none of their business, how I got to where I am today shouldn't matter, I got here didn't I? Surely I am now of the same class as everyone else in the room? But of course not. These people knew someone, who knew someone and that is how they got into this business, I however had to work my way here, somehow, making me lower, insignificant and weak. How that is correct, I have no idea. But that's the way it is these days, it's all about who you know, not what you know or even what you learn along the way.

I made plenty of mistakes along my journey here, but at least I had learning opportunities, these people however, are still the naive interns that they started out as, only now they're dressed in ridiculously expensive suits. Then there's me; Topshop dress and hairspray is all they see.

I worked hard to progress in this company, and I earned the title that I had always wanted. But I am still considered a lost cause, worthless and lazy; making me untitled.

19 Letter to a certain chauvinist

Dear anyone that treats you badly,

Thank you. You're the reason I know I deserve ten times better than you and the way you treated me.

You made me realise that no matter how well you think you know someone, they will always be able to shock you. In the most unpleasant of ways. I now see that people are always strangers, no matter how close you are to them. You never fully know someone because you are not them, you don't see what they see, you don't feel what they feel and you don't know what they know.

You never knew me.

You knew the me that you had degraded and hurt; created.

You made me lose who I am, and it's almost funny how easy it is to lose yourself, but then so difficult to find yourself again.

But,
things only get as bad as you are willing to let them. Blinded by the you that you wanted me to see, I let them get to a point of almost no return.

When I think of you now, all I feel is a mixture of disappointment and elation; disappointment that I allowed myself to get hurt, elation that it's over. Will never happen again. And that I've learnt my lesson.

Time heals everything and nothing last forever.

Thank God.

Lots of hate,

The me that you never got to see.

#18 "Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light"

I read that quote in one of my Gran's books; it took me a while to work it out, and to be honest I'm still not completely certain I understand it.

I believe it could be that that the people that are considered damaged, are better people. They carry on regardless of their past, which they've accepted, and they let their experiences shape them into a stronger and better person. They learn that things happen that are out of your control, so you need to go with it. Just because one person hurts you, doesn't mean everyone else will. Just because something didn't turn out right, doesn't mean it won't in the future. They learn to accept everyone, because they know how it feels to be judged and defined by their past.

Everyone deserves to live their life in the way they want, 'damaged' or not. If people try and get in the way of that, let them try, but don't let them succeed. Some of the most inspiring people on earth are the most eccentric; Bob Dylan, Andy Warhol and Bjork to name just a few!

There's no revenge sweeter than success and a side order of happiness.

#17 The jigsaw puzzle

Every jigsaw piece has a different size, shape and image. Since when is difference only acceptable in jigsaw boxes?
If every piece was the same, no one would 'fit' anywhere. There would be no big picture.

There is a big picture and each DIFFERENT piece is included in it, whether you're a central piece or a corner. You're included, you have your own part and you're just as important as the pieces that attract more attention.

Puzzle pieces are set into a certain shape to fit into a certain place, it is meant to be in that certain place and no one can change that. Allow the puzzle piece to go where it's meant to go, if you don't, the big picture will just turn out wrong.

The jigsaw puzzle I'm referring to is life, and we are all the pieces of it. We each have our place no matter who ignores us or believes we are weird, or less important. Find what makes you different and champion it, it's what makes you, you. Let people see it; if they accept it, great! If not, they're the ones losing out.

#16 Fighting for the spotlight

Okay so, when I said 'trust me' in "Swag or class?", it means I've experienced it and I know how it feels. You get the guy that can get a lot of girls, and you feel proud, not only have you got the guy that you have feelings for, but you've got the guy that other girls want. He has so much opportunity and he chose you...yay.
That rush dies down you notice him still talking to those girls that you saw as your competition, still liking their photo's on Facebook and him telling you how girls he'd been with; you realise you had no idea about the majority of them and you start to wonder how good he is at hiding things. You worry. You doubt, And you over-react.

What I'm tyring to say id, don't put yourself into that situation. It will only end badly.
Go for the guy that is sweet, compliments you(but isn't a creeper) and does some of the classic gentlemanly things. I know it's cliche but come on girls...do you really want to be with someone that makes you feel insecure, instead of someone that would carry your shopping bags for you?

Go for the guy that you're eager to impress, but not the one that will keep you fighting for the spotlight.

#15 Swag or class

Writing "What makes a 'lad'?" caused me to realise that it's usually the 'lads' that get girlfriends...wait, what!?

But who's fault is that? *cough* girl's *cough*
Lads are said to have swag, that's when they walk like an ape. And men are said to have class; that's when they're polite. Why go for an ape?

Go for a guy that you know will treat you right. Go for one that is a kind person; one that isn't DISGUSTING enough to insult your friends to get laughs by making 'hilarious' jokes about their weight or appearance. If they do this, get rid. Simples. It's not right, it's not fair and he'll only do the same to you at some point down the line.

It may seem amazing and fun to go for the guy that gets all of the attention, but TRUST ME, it isn't.

#14 "Such a lad"

I hear people using this word daily, drives me mental if I'm honest. They usually refer to someone as a 'lad' after they say something either rude, offensive, or just plain irritating. The 'lads' may refer to this as banter, or a joke, but it's only a joke if the two parties(joker and jokee) are laughing, if it's only the joker laughing, you're making a joke out of someone, and if that's what makes you a lad, why would anyone want to be one? Boys seem to see it as an accomplishment or a word of praise, I'd much prefer to be able to call someone a gentleman!

Referring to boys as 'lads', devalues what Wikipedia says. If every "boy or young man" was like the lads at my school, there would be a major problem.